I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
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Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.