I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
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My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Sticker placement is key.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
uh oh
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*