Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
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My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Had an epiphany today.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.