I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
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I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.