ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
You Might Also Like
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Great game to play with friends
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.