Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
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me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.