Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
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spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too