her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
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8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler