Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
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me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.