I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
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Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
we did it you guys we saved daylight
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
good for her
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?