People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
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I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
This is the coolest video you will see today.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Autocorrect completely socks
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
I have a type: disappointing
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”