Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
You Might Also Like
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.