THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
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[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Birds & Planes.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them