HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
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[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.