Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
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When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??