Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
You Might Also Like
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Lol.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet