Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
You Might Also Like
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
lol
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
We need to put an American base on the sun
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?