[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
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[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.