I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
You Might Also Like
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.