Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
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me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Who.
Did.
This?
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
That’s easy for you to say
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]