Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
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My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
nyc:
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.