i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
You Might Also Like
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
i love modern commerce
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.