every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
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Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
…..pretty much.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.