“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
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Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me: