Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
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Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.