Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
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Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?