GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
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Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.