Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
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My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.