[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
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ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.