The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
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People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
i can’t wait that long
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe