One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
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Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)