[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
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The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*