[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
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beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino