Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
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MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT