My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
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When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what