Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
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I weigh at least 17 squirrels
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing