Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
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Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”