“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
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When customers come in 6 hours before closing
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
the #horror is real!
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home