If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
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I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I’m putting together a team
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
a public service announcement
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.