How I like cutting carbs
You Might Also Like
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Terribly Tuesday.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.