My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
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I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn