Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
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Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Who.
Did.
This?
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”