Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
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[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Boom, boom, ching!
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
*pronounces surface like Versace*
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up