Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
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Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
(Musicians.)
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.