It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
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Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down