The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
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With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Generation gap…
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
They’re not wrong
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
#polloftheday
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.