I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
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For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.