Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
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I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉