My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
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You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Ken is short for chicken
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.