I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
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[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything